eating

before i start i want to say that ive done little to no research and this is all personal experience and thoughts

id like to start by saying that i am 5’10” and 105 pounds on a good day

recently more than ever ive been thinking about how im eating and what im doing with my body, ive thought about when im eating, what im eating, how much and how often, as well as the contexts.

the other day, for a class we had to track our eating, and i really thought about what i had eaten over the past 3 days. it ended up with me having about 2-3 things ive eaten per-day, and at very inconsistent times. then, as i was taking a shower today and thinking about what to write for this post, i realized another thing.

really, ive only been eating ‘socially’

what i mean by ‘eating socially’, is that i havent eaten just because im ‘hungry’ in recent days, or because its a meal time, ive only been eating while someone else can see that im eating, can see that its all normal. i thought of it in a way of having a point to prove, to impress someone, to show that im taking care of myself. though, i feel that if i stopped doing that, no one would particularly notice. who cares if i dont get something for lunch at school? who cares if i stop posting what i eat to my story? who cares if i stop eating on call? i dont believe anyone would notice, and if they did, would they care?

ive managed to skip breakfast for years, ive gone a little lesser time without lunches, and recently ive started skipping dinner altogether as well, still, no one seems to care about that too deeply.

ive thought in recent days of what to call my philosophy on eating, and what could be wrong with me, and i havent managed to come to a conclusion with myself on that. ive thought about eating disorders, but that seems kind of extreme to be what ive got going on. i get that disorders of all kind are spectrums, and that i could be falling on a lower end of it, but when i think of eating disorders, i think of what comes with what i see on twitter, or what i see on the internet. im not counting calories, im not hyperaware of whats in what i eat, i just sort of, dont eat regularly. though, with what i do eat, i do think about the impact it will have on me, i think about the scale of what i eat, about how it will impact me.

i think ive been sort of projecting some of my insecurities with how i feel about eating a bit, been talking too much about it, trying to find ways of feeling the same or similar to someone but i feel just genuinely stupid if i do talk about it, which i suppose is why im writing about it instead. im not sure where im going with this part of the writing

ive thought about how different things have been keeping me from eating regularly, about how i feel about that, and i realize that i dont know how to feel.

does this affect how i see myself, how i feel i look?

yes, and no.

ive always thought to myself that maybe i am too skinny. it freaks me out to be able to see my own bones, to see my veins, to see how frail i look. ive been told by doctors that i am dangerously underweight, that i need to put on weight and work out my chest to help fix other variables in my life, but i couldnt be bothered because the idea of gaining weight is such a foreign concept to me that i am scared of, terrified even.

i dont think the big thing about it is how i would look if i was ‘healthier’, i think its about how i feel currently, how i think i would feel, and what i want to do. the feeling of being thin and eating scarcely seems to make me happy, seems to play a big part of my life.

very unrelated to my last point, but i went to weigh myself today, and i can remember thinking to myself, ‘if i weigh over 110lbs, ill kill myself’, which i know is a horrible thing to think, a horrible thing to feel over something as minor as 5 pounds, but i could feel myself being genuine as i thought it.

ive thought about my BMI and my BMR lately too, which i couldnt tell you exactly what each of them mean, but i know they’re scales of something to do with your weight, height, and how those conjoin to do things in your body. my BMI is 15.1, the site lists ‘underweight’ as ‘below 18.5’. i’m a few whole points below that. of course, a part of me wants that number to be lower than 15. my BMR is 1513 calories/day. the site describes the number you get as a sort of ‘figuring out how much gas an idle car consumes while parked’. ‘sedentary’ on the website is 1815 calories/day. i dont know what that means for me.

i dont think i want to right this. i dont think i want anything to change. i just want to know for sure what is wrong with me

heres this post’s song, Spinal Crack by Ourselves the Elves.